The Tao of Dementia

I'm going to try again today - To say whats in my heart - And pray for a better tomorrow - Make a brand new start - I'm telling everybody to turn it up again - Something's gotta change - Good bye yesterday - Try again today - Something's gotta change

(Try Again Today, The Charlatans, Up At The Lake 2004)

Dementia is a blanket term, it used to be known as senility, old people with such a condition were generally referred to as being geriatric. You don't hear those terms used so much any more.

The symbiosis of living with dementia I can no longer deny: it's a kind of waking dream and I'm dreaming it, floating somewhere in my imagination as I write this, what day is it? It doesn't matter. What needs to be done? Not much. Do the most important things and then go back to sleep, watch the weeks pass, do the usual chores (I never liked that word), ignore the problems, watch a bit of tv, listen to the radio, wait, wait, waiting for what? For it to end, somehow.

Now where was I?

I said it before and I'm saying it again: don't live with dementia. It fucks with your head. I need a real break, it's been three years. That's a long time, unless you are a stone or you have dementia.

A lady from the pensions service came yesterday to assess how much Granny has to pay for her respite care. Granny was muttering to herself in the other room, it's something she does a lot when she has something on her mind, 'Is this about me? If so I want to know what is going on', she wasn't happy. I had to tell her it was about me, a few times, I lied to her, otherwise she'd have never have stopped insisting she is perfectly alright. I had to listen to that after the woman had left, had to explain to her a number of times that it was about pensions and nothing to do with putting her away into a home.

'I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself, and I can always call on one of the neighbours if I need anything, I keep the house tidy, look after my pusscat, I get myself dressed in the morning and take myself off to bed.'

She said that a lot to me yesterday. I had to go out in the end, took my friend's dog up onto the moor.

Today she's forgotten that we ever had the discussion (and it wasn't the first time, it happens whenever the social worker visits or anyone else on official business). She always insists she is perfectly alright yet I know she isn't: she needs someone when things get too much for her, when she gets confused, when she cannot make sense of what is happening. Most of the time it is me.

Somethings gotta change.

As the poet said...